yesterday was my birthday. i never wanted to become one of those people who despise their birthday, but somewhere along the way i became just that. i guess despise is a strong word. i don't really despise them. however, over the years somehow july 6th has become less about celebrating life. instead it's become the mark of another year passing with things left unaccomplished and undone. truthfully...
my perspective on life sucks.
the day before my birthday i was completely dreading it, trying to figure out how i could avoid it, somehow sleep through it. but, yesterday morning i opened a gift that had travelled thousands of miles from nepal, to get to me on my day. my cousin jessica had made me an amazing mixed cd (go here to see my feelings on mixed tapes). she put a particular song on there that might have seemed a random choice. but, she said that it should give me a "perspective about age and life." she was...completley. right.
seasons of love from the musical rent...
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure, measure a year?
in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in the life?
how about love?
how DO you measure a year in the life? i had been measuring my life all wrong. i had been focusing on the "woe is me's" and the "if only's." i had completely lost sight of the fact that i have a pretty good life. i have friends and family who love and care about me (my facebook wall is a good indicator). i have a good job. i've done some AMAZING things. and, most days, i'm really happy. so, with this new perspective in mind i went about my day. and, it turned out to be really really good! i felt loved and treasured. i felt cared for by the people who went out of their way to make it special by taking me to lunch, making me dinner, getting me a cake, and making me one fantastic birthday mix.
the moral of this story...
measure your life, measure you life in love
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
men are from mars...
you know how after you've read, or heard, or seen something impactful, then that's all you read, or hear, or see? recently, i've been reading the book "wild at heart: discovering the secret of a man's soul" by john eldridge. i know there are some who would argue that as a woman i shouldn't read this book...it's only for men. and, for a long time i believed this argument. but, i'm glad that i changed my mind. this book has not only been enlightening, but it has taught me a lot about myself, the men around me, and the world. while i've been reading, things have been popping up all over the place...reminders, applications, "ahaha" moments.
a couple of years ago i had the following conversation with my nephew...
nephew: i want an uncle
me: why do you want an uncle?
nephew: because i want someone around who understands me.
my nephew is one of few males in a pretty female saturated family. he has three aunts, none of them married. he is often the only male in a room full of women. i never really thought he noticed or that it bothered him. i never thought it was odd that i was the one he wrestled with and played video games with. i didn't really think it mattered. and then, the other day i read this...
"a boy learns who he is and what he's got from a man, or the company of men. he cannot learn it any other place. he cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women."
i'm not saying that i'm concerned about my nephew's masculinity, he has some amazing men in his life...his father, my father, grandfather's. but, this was a lesson for me. i somehow thought that by filling the role of both the aunt and the uncle, i was meeting a need. but, as much as i would like to believe that i "understand" boys...it's impossible.
the other night i was watching one of my new favorite shows, traffic light, and this happened...
in a follow up scene, the wife becomes upset when the husband allows the little boy to be photographed in a cowboy costume with guns, she calls him a "baby ted nugent." this instigates an argument weighing whether or not guns are inherently bad. finally the husband brings up hunting and reminds the wife that she's okay with him hunting. the wife responds, "you haven't done that since we got together...i tamed you."
i honestly don't know if i would have given this episode a second thought if i hadn't been reading this book. but, with john eldridge's words in my head, all i could think was..."no, you're emasculating your husband and you're getting ready to do the same thing to your son."
"society at large can't make up its mind about men. having spent the last thirty years redefining masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men."
i was listening to ryan seacrest's radio show the other day and he asked..."do you think it's weird when a guy orders something that is typically ordered by women?" he then proceeded to tell what he had ordered, and i have no clue what it was. but, i think ryan is a perfect example of this point, because he is the epitome of "metrosexual." i would be surprised if i found out that he went hunting on the weekends with his buddies. he is an example of this redefined masculinity...sensitive, safe, manageable. and, we all secretly question his sexuality.
we are bi-polar. we want men to be strong, secure, safe, with an emphasis on safe. we don't want them to play with guns, sky dive, or anything too dangerous. we want to change them, to tame them. but, we still want them to be men, masculine. i don't think we can have it both ways.
a couple of years ago i had the following conversation with my nephew...
nephew: i want an uncle
me: why do you want an uncle?
nephew: because i want someone around who understands me.
my nephew is one of few males in a pretty female saturated family. he has three aunts, none of them married. he is often the only male in a room full of women. i never really thought he noticed or that it bothered him. i never thought it was odd that i was the one he wrestled with and played video games with. i didn't really think it mattered. and then, the other day i read this...
"a boy learns who he is and what he's got from a man, or the company of men. he cannot learn it any other place. he cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women."
i'm not saying that i'm concerned about my nephew's masculinity, he has some amazing men in his life...his father, my father, grandfather's. but, this was a lesson for me. i somehow thought that by filling the role of both the aunt and the uncle, i was meeting a need. but, as much as i would like to believe that i "understand" boys...it's impossible.
the other night i was watching one of my new favorite shows, traffic light, and this happened...
in a follow up scene, the wife becomes upset when the husband allows the little boy to be photographed in a cowboy costume with guns, she calls him a "baby ted nugent." this instigates an argument weighing whether or not guns are inherently bad. finally the husband brings up hunting and reminds the wife that she's okay with him hunting. the wife responds, "you haven't done that since we got together...i tamed you."
i honestly don't know if i would have given this episode a second thought if i hadn't been reading this book. but, with john eldridge's words in my head, all i could think was..."no, you're emasculating your husband and you're getting ready to do the same thing to your son."
"society at large can't make up its mind about men. having spent the last thirty years redefining masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men."
i was listening to ryan seacrest's radio show the other day and he asked..."do you think it's weird when a guy orders something that is typically ordered by women?" he then proceeded to tell what he had ordered, and i have no clue what it was. but, i think ryan is a perfect example of this point, because he is the epitome of "metrosexual." i would be surprised if i found out that he went hunting on the weekends with his buddies. he is an example of this redefined masculinity...sensitive, safe, manageable. and, we all secretly question his sexuality.
we are bi-polar. we want men to be strong, secure, safe, with an emphasis on safe. we don't want them to play with guns, sky dive, or anything too dangerous. we want to change them, to tame them. but, we still want them to be men, masculine. i don't think we can have it both ways.
Friday, March 25, 2011
cooler than me...addendum
last night i was sitting in my living room with some teenage girls when one of them asked what i did for a living. as usual my response..."i'm a graphic designer." then she said, "i could tell you must be an artist. well, assuming that you painted, drew or created all of this." (with a flourish of her arm that took in the whole room).
moral of this story...maybe the only person i'm fooling is me.
moral of this story...maybe the only person i'm fooling is me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
cooler than me...
i have a hard time thinking of myself as an artist. in fact, when asked what i do for a living i almost always use the terminology...graphic designer, instead of graphic artist. i don't know why this is. i think i have the idea that artists are much cooler than me. they live in a fantastic loft somewhere, wear paint splattered overalls and starve for the love of their art. they paint and sculpt and display their creations in a gallery somewhere for everyone to see. this is not me.
i remember when i was maybe 11 or 12 i decided that i wanted to be a painter. i'm not sure where this inspiration came from, but i was determined. so, i gathered my supplies...whatever paint and brushes i could find in the house, water, paper towels and a piece of cardboard (to stand in for the canvas that i didn't have). i think i even made some kind of easel. then i decided on my subject...a bowl of fruit seemed like the natural choice. i wish i still had that painting. i remember it not meeting my expectations, but i would like to know if it was as bad as i remember it being. after that, i never painted again...until a few years ago when i began taking classes.
that desire i had at 11 or 12, to paint, never left it just didn't get fed. i either didn't have an outlet for learning or a means, but most likely i didn't have the motivation. or maybe there was some kind of resistance telling me i couldn't do it, couldn't be an artist, who knows. that has changed. the classes i've taken have somehow inspired confidence. now, i have ideas in my head. i have a little knowledge. i have a desire to be an artist. but, would i be able to do it on my own, without the instructor leaning over my shoulder? this i didn't know, but just like all those years ago...i was determined. so, once again, i gathered my supplies. this time i was a little more prepared with the proper tools, including a canvas, and the subject was a little different...
my idea was to combine these two pictures that i took. i love sunsets and this tree (from my parent's neighbor's yard) never takes a bad photo.
i thought it would look pretty cool in watercolor. my mistake...i don't know anything about watercolor painting. needless to say, this attempt did not meet my expectations. but, i decided to try again, this time using a medium i know a little about...oils. and, i would consider this second attempt to be a success.
it's by no means perfect. it hangs on the wall in my living room and every time i look at it i find something i would have done differently. but, for my first attempt at painting on my own i have to say...not bad. and maybe, just maybe, i'm a little closer to being able to call myself an artist.
i remember when i was maybe 11 or 12 i decided that i wanted to be a painter. i'm not sure where this inspiration came from, but i was determined. so, i gathered my supplies...whatever paint and brushes i could find in the house, water, paper towels and a piece of cardboard (to stand in for the canvas that i didn't have). i think i even made some kind of easel. then i decided on my subject...a bowl of fruit seemed like the natural choice. i wish i still had that painting. i remember it not meeting my expectations, but i would like to know if it was as bad as i remember it being. after that, i never painted again...until a few years ago when i began taking classes.
that desire i had at 11 or 12, to paint, never left it just didn't get fed. i either didn't have an outlet for learning or a means, but most likely i didn't have the motivation. or maybe there was some kind of resistance telling me i couldn't do it, couldn't be an artist, who knows. that has changed. the classes i've taken have somehow inspired confidence. now, i have ideas in my head. i have a little knowledge. i have a desire to be an artist. but, would i be able to do it on my own, without the instructor leaning over my shoulder? this i didn't know, but just like all those years ago...i was determined. so, once again, i gathered my supplies. this time i was a little more prepared with the proper tools, including a canvas, and the subject was a little different...
my idea was to combine these two pictures that i took. i love sunsets and this tree (from my parent's neighbor's yard) never takes a bad photo.
i thought it would look pretty cool in watercolor. my mistake...i don't know anything about watercolor painting. needless to say, this attempt did not meet my expectations. but, i decided to try again, this time using a medium i know a little about...oils. and, i would consider this second attempt to be a success.
it's by no means perfect. it hangs on the wall in my living room and every time i look at it i find something i would have done differently. but, for my first attempt at painting on my own i have to say...not bad. and maybe, just maybe, i'm a little closer to being able to call myself an artist.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
they say it's your birthday...
today, i want to celebrate this guy...
this is my dad's senior picture and it has always held a special place in my heart. today is his 60th birthday. so, in honor of this day i want to share why i believe that my dad is the greatest man in the whole world. he is the perfect mix of manly and tough with just enough sensitivity and compassion. my dad can seriously do ANYTHING. he refers to himself as a "jack of all trades, master of none." but, my sisters and i like to call him the "renaissance man" (a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas). here are some examples of why he's the greatest and how he passed that expertise on to me over the years...
1. when i learned how to drive he taught me how to check the essential fluids in my car, change a tire, the windshield wipers and headlights. all skills that have been extremely useful. he also taught me how to change a spark plug, a skill that i haven't needed yet, but if the time ever comes i will be ready.
2. he taught me how to play the piano. he stuck little pieces of masking tape on the keys and lettered them so i knew what notes they were and then showed me how to read music.
3. when i was about 15 he told me that when a boy comes to pick me up for a date he WILL come to the door. if he sits in the driveway and honks he WON'T be taking me out that night. he not only told me how i should expect men to treat me, but set an example for me in the way he cares for the women in his life.
4. when i was learning to play the guitar i asked him how i get to the point where i can strum while changing chords. his answer..."you just do it." i found this extremely frustrating until about a week later when i miraculously was able to "just do it" and realized that he was absolutely correct. i shouldn't have doubted.
5. over the years he made me weed the garden, mow the lawn, pick fruit, chop wood and countless other chores. at the time i was pretty sure he was torturing me, but looking back i realize he was teaching me not to be afraid of hard work.
6. when i was growing up sometimes on the weekends he would go and rent a nintendo from the video store and we would play mario brothers and duck hunt. pretty sure this is why to this day I LOVE VIDEO GAMES.
7. he taught me not only how to say words like distributor cap, exhaust manifold and catalytic converter, but also taught me what they mean. a knowledge that comes in handy when i need to fool a mechanic into believing that i'm not a helpless girl and i actually do know what i'm talking about.
8. when i was really young i remember finding out that the embroidery picture hanging on the wall was done by him. pretty sure this is the day i learned that my dad can do ANYTHING.
9. a couple of years ago he moved all my earthly belongings about four times in the span of 9 months. after time number four he said, "i don't want to have to do this again for a long time." i think we made it two years, but when the time came he was there ready and willing to help.
10. the other day he told me how he bought a bible for his co-worker, wrote an inscription in it and then set it on a shelf at work waiting for the time to be right to give it to him. only to find out that the co-worker started reading the bible on his own, found the inscription and came to him. i'm pretty sure this is what Jesus would have done.
he's the reason i give whenever someone is surprised i have the ability to do something like...help re-roof a house, use power tools, efficiently pack a trunk and/or u-haul truck, or jump start a car. he's proud to have raised three independent and self-sufficient daughters. he is one of the most responsible and hardest working people i've ever met and would give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it. there is nothing more important to him than family.
dad, i know that today when people wish you a happy birthday and ask how your day is going you will say, "it's just another day." but, today we are celebrating you because you deserve it. you do so much for the people around you with no request for recognition. you are the epitome of servant hearted. thank you for always being there to help me, to give me advice, to just be a sounding board. i love you! happy 60th birthday!
this is my dad's senior picture and it has always held a special place in my heart. today is his 60th birthday. so, in honor of this day i want to share why i believe that my dad is the greatest man in the whole world. he is the perfect mix of manly and tough with just enough sensitivity and compassion. my dad can seriously do ANYTHING. he refers to himself as a "jack of all trades, master of none." but, my sisters and i like to call him the "renaissance man" (a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas). here are some examples of why he's the greatest and how he passed that expertise on to me over the years...1. when i learned how to drive he taught me how to check the essential fluids in my car, change a tire, the windshield wipers and headlights. all skills that have been extremely useful. he also taught me how to change a spark plug, a skill that i haven't needed yet, but if the time ever comes i will be ready.
2. he taught me how to play the piano. he stuck little pieces of masking tape on the keys and lettered them so i knew what notes they were and then showed me how to read music.
3. when i was about 15 he told me that when a boy comes to pick me up for a date he WILL come to the door. if he sits in the driveway and honks he WON'T be taking me out that night. he not only told me how i should expect men to treat me, but set an example for me in the way he cares for the women in his life.
4. when i was learning to play the guitar i asked him how i get to the point where i can strum while changing chords. his answer..."you just do it." i found this extremely frustrating until about a week later when i miraculously was able to "just do it" and realized that he was absolutely correct. i shouldn't have doubted.
5. over the years he made me weed the garden, mow the lawn, pick fruit, chop wood and countless other chores. at the time i was pretty sure he was torturing me, but looking back i realize he was teaching me not to be afraid of hard work.
6. when i was growing up sometimes on the weekends he would go and rent a nintendo from the video store and we would play mario brothers and duck hunt. pretty sure this is why to this day I LOVE VIDEO GAMES.
7. he taught me not only how to say words like distributor cap, exhaust manifold and catalytic converter, but also taught me what they mean. a knowledge that comes in handy when i need to fool a mechanic into believing that i'm not a helpless girl and i actually do know what i'm talking about.
8. when i was really young i remember finding out that the embroidery picture hanging on the wall was done by him. pretty sure this is the day i learned that my dad can do ANYTHING.
9. a couple of years ago he moved all my earthly belongings about four times in the span of 9 months. after time number four he said, "i don't want to have to do this again for a long time." i think we made it two years, but when the time came he was there ready and willing to help.
10. the other day he told me how he bought a bible for his co-worker, wrote an inscription in it and then set it on a shelf at work waiting for the time to be right to give it to him. only to find out that the co-worker started reading the bible on his own, found the inscription and came to him. i'm pretty sure this is what Jesus would have done.
he's the reason i give whenever someone is surprised i have the ability to do something like...help re-roof a house, use power tools, efficiently pack a trunk and/or u-haul truck, or jump start a car. he's proud to have raised three independent and self-sufficient daughters. he is one of the most responsible and hardest working people i've ever met and would give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it. there is nothing more important to him than family.
dad, i know that today when people wish you a happy birthday and ask how your day is going you will say, "it's just another day." but, today we are celebrating you because you deserve it. you do so much for the people around you with no request for recognition. you are the epitome of servant hearted. thank you for always being there to help me, to give me advice, to just be a sounding board. i love you! happy 60th birthday!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
look at this photograph...part deux
what happens when something you love affects the people around you? over christmas i was talking to my niece and nephew about the fact that i'm constantly taking their pictures. since they were born they have been two of my favorite subjects, so if it's going to affect anyone it's them. i have several albums of our little "photo shoots" where i will make them stand on this ladder, pose by this tree, sit on this hay bail. i don't know how many times they've heard me say, "wait, don't move, let me get my camera." so, i asked them....does it ever bother you? my fourteen year old niece just shrugged her shoulders and said, "it's just who you are."
one of the reasons i love pictures so much is that they tell a story and that story can be different for every person that looks at it...it's subjective. but, to the photographer it's something very different, because they know everything that went on in the creation of that photograph. there is a picture i took of my niece years ago that demonstrates this completely. she was about four, in the backyard picking flowers. i crouched down to take her picture, trying to be really quiet so i wouldn't disturb her, trying to be sneaky. without even looking at me she said..."i know you're taking a picture of me Beckie."
i love this picture, with the flowers in her hand, the band aid on her knee, her little hand brushing her hair back. but, that one sentence from her makes it perfect.
my nephew's response to my question was pretty similar, just in boy lingo..."naw". but, one of my favorite pictures of my nephew was at a time when it did in fact bother him. he was around two or three and i think it was one of those times when he was doing something cute and i wanted to capture it. but, he was having none of it. i don't remember why, but he did not want me taking his picture. so, i did what any good aunt would do...i took it anyway. totally. worth. it.
the story behind this one is that he wore that little blue tank top for years. it quickly became a little half shirt on him, but he wore it anyway because it was his favorite....so cute.
if cassadie and jarod had answered my question differently, if it did bother them, then i don't know what i would do. but, i'm glad that they're ok with it, because when they're on board i get pictures like this...
one of the reasons i love pictures so much is that they tell a story and that story can be different for every person that looks at it...it's subjective. but, to the photographer it's something very different, because they know everything that went on in the creation of that photograph. there is a picture i took of my niece years ago that demonstrates this completely. she was about four, in the backyard picking flowers. i crouched down to take her picture, trying to be really quiet so i wouldn't disturb her, trying to be sneaky. without even looking at me she said..."i know you're taking a picture of me Beckie."
i love this picture, with the flowers in her hand, the band aid on her knee, her little hand brushing her hair back. but, that one sentence from her makes it perfect.my nephew's response to my question was pretty similar, just in boy lingo..."naw". but, one of my favorite pictures of my nephew was at a time when it did in fact bother him. he was around two or three and i think it was one of those times when he was doing something cute and i wanted to capture it. but, he was having none of it. i don't remember why, but he did not want me taking his picture. so, i did what any good aunt would do...i took it anyway. totally. worth. it.
the story behind this one is that he wore that little blue tank top for years. it quickly became a little half shirt on him, but he wore it anyway because it was his favorite....so cute.if cassadie and jarod had answered my question differently, if it did bother them, then i don't know what i would do. but, i'm glad that they're ok with it, because when they're on board i get pictures like this...
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